You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
