and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
