Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
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