this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize