allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
There are leaves in my underwear?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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