Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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