I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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