the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
