I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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