here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
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