census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
