Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
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