Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
