i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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