i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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