just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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