I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
