You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
