im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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