I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
