so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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