I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
