I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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