If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
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He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
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I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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