Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
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I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
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I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life