I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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