omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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