you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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