Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize