Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
