They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
