Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
