He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
