Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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