Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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