sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
