Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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