2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
