i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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