i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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