if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
How's work?
Spinning.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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