if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
