what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
