i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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