do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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