non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
