How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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