just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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