I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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