Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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