I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
