so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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