I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
