party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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