You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
