when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
