you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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