I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
