And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
