I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
