The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
