you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?