god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I don't get it.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
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Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
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And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.