So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
